I had my first initial class required by the Bariatric clinic to get the ball rolling towards a surgery date.
It was very informative and overall still wasn't sure if it was right for me. Of course I would love to have surgery and then just watch the pounds melt away, but I had to be honest with myself. Is this right for me?
Can I do what they say is necessary? Will I cheat and gain it all back or make myself sick? Will I even be a candidate once they meet me? So many questions, but all I had to ask of myself. The process goes, after this class, there will be a dr. appointment with their doctor, a psychological eval, a meeting with the dietician, a surgery consult and then a date is set for surgery. I've made my appointment with their doctor for Oct. 10th.
I wasn't sure if it was the right thing for me, but decided to make the appointment for the doc at their office and I would cancel if I decided it wasn't the right thing for me.
After a nice evening with my husband, we decided this was going to be good for me. So, I've decided that yes, I am going to do what I can to make this happen. I am going to attempt to be approved and set up for gastric bypass surgery.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and won't lie, having a pity party. My life has been completely run by my low self esteem and damning thoughts. My hatred for the way I look, the way I feel, the things that I find harder to do since I gained the last 20 lbs or so. Today out of anger and self loathing, I emptied my closet of things that no longer fit me and also things that I have always kept in there hoping it would fit or thinking I MAY make it work if I have a skinny day. I no longer have skinny days and I no longer wear regular clothes. I wear yoga pants (ah, the irony!) Capri sweat pants, layered cotton tank tops and some sort of cover up (my shell to hide from the world). A hoodie or cardigan. I have taken everything out that I don't wear every day and am throwing it in storage or giving it away. I can't stand getting ready every morning looking at what my options AREN'T. Why do this to myself? So, I shall hang my uniforms and leave it at that. An almost empty, stretchy, black, gray or navy blanket I cover myself in.
Also, after my Mom suffered a massive stroke 5.5 months ago, she will be going home next week. WONDERFUL news, yes. We've waited for this day for so long, but again getting honest with myself.
I am scared to death. She is paralyzed on the left side of her body. I am afraid I cannot lift her and transfer her, I am afraid of changing diapers, I am afraid of everything involved. I know that my Dad can only do so much as he doesn't have the strength. My oldest sister is not to be relied on for everyday help, so that leaves my other older sister who is a superstar helper but works a lot and me. The stay at home Mom. Of course I will be there as much as they need me. I hope I can physically do it all. I hope I can mentally handle it and I hope I don't neglect or make problems for my family here at home while I spread myself thin between them and my parents. I still don't feel like we are being realistic or honest with ourselves. Our family is infamous for keeping our feelings in and doing things for everyone else. I really hope we can do this. Mom deserves our best and she will get it. I just hope our best is enough.
Lastly, going along with being honest with myself...I know I need to see a therapist. I also know I need to get a physical. I have been long afraid of having a physical because I am so scared they will find something serious with my health. Between being overweight, a smoker and liking my wine, I am afraid, I've damaged myself and I am going to find something earth shattering out. I guess I just didn't want to know because then I would have to face it. But, since that is what got my Mom into her situation, I can't afford to do that and have my husband and kids go through what my Dad and Sisters and I are all going through, so, today I made an appointment with a therapist and my regular doctor. Full physical, blood test for cholesterol and all.
Wish me luck.
So, in two hours, I emptied my closet and made two important appointments. Hope I can jump these hurdles and become a more sane, whole, healthy person.
Amy
