I had my first initial class required by the Bariatric clinic to get the ball rolling towards a surgery date.
It was very informative and overall still wasn't sure if it was right for me. Of course I would love to have surgery and then just watch the pounds melt away, but I had to be honest with myself. Is this right for me?
Can I do what they say is necessary? Will I cheat and gain it all back or make myself sick? Will I even be a candidate once they meet me? So many questions, but all I had to ask of myself. The process goes, after this class, there will be a dr. appointment with their doctor, a psychological eval, a meeting with the dietician, a surgery consult and then a date is set for surgery. I've made my appointment with their doctor for Oct. 10th.
I wasn't sure if it was the right thing for me, but decided to make the appointment for the doc at their office and I would cancel if I decided it wasn't the right thing for me.
After a nice evening with my husband, we decided this was going to be good for me. So, I've decided that yes, I am going to do what I can to make this happen. I am going to attempt to be approved and set up for gastric bypass surgery.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and won't lie, having a pity party. My life has been completely run by my low self esteem and damning thoughts. My hatred for the way I look, the way I feel, the things that I find harder to do since I gained the last 20 lbs or so. Today out of anger and self loathing, I emptied my closet of things that no longer fit me and also things that I have always kept in there hoping it would fit or thinking I MAY make it work if I have a skinny day. I no longer have skinny days and I no longer wear regular clothes. I wear yoga pants (ah, the irony!) Capri sweat pants, layered cotton tank tops and some sort of cover up (my shell to hide from the world). A hoodie or cardigan. I have taken everything out that I don't wear every day and am throwing it in storage or giving it away. I can't stand getting ready every morning looking at what my options AREN'T. Why do this to myself? So, I shall hang my uniforms and leave it at that. An almost empty, stretchy, black, gray or navy blanket I cover myself in.
Also, after my Mom suffered a massive stroke 5.5 months ago, she will be going home next week. WONDERFUL news, yes. We've waited for this day for so long, but again getting honest with myself.
I am scared to death. She is paralyzed on the left side of her body. I am afraid I cannot lift her and transfer her, I am afraid of changing diapers, I am afraid of everything involved. I know that my Dad can only do so much as he doesn't have the strength. My oldest sister is not to be relied on for everyday help, so that leaves my other older sister who is a superstar helper but works a lot and me. The stay at home Mom. Of course I will be there as much as they need me. I hope I can physically do it all. I hope I can mentally handle it and I hope I don't neglect or make problems for my family here at home while I spread myself thin between them and my parents. I still don't feel like we are being realistic or honest with ourselves. Our family is infamous for keeping our feelings in and doing things for everyone else. I really hope we can do this. Mom deserves our best and she will get it. I just hope our best is enough.
Lastly, going along with being honest with myself...I know I need to see a therapist. I also know I need to get a physical. I have been long afraid of having a physical because I am so scared they will find something serious with my health. Between being overweight, a smoker and liking my wine, I am afraid, I've damaged myself and I am going to find something earth shattering out. I guess I just didn't want to know because then I would have to face it. But, since that is what got my Mom into her situation, I can't afford to do that and have my husband and kids go through what my Dad and Sisters and I are all going through, so, today I made an appointment with a therapist and my regular doctor. Full physical, blood test for cholesterol and all.
Wish me luck.
So, in two hours, I emptied my closet and made two important appointments. Hope I can jump these hurdles and become a more sane, whole, healthy person.
Amy
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The Who, What, When, Where and Why's...
First appointment down! Here we go!
So, I've been thinking of having bariatric surgery for many years, but the idea seemed too extreme for me. I felt ONE DAY I would nail it and get thin. Not happening. I've tried everything only to fail miserably and gain it all back plus more. I'm losing my patience because I feel I am running out of time.
I am 5 feet tall and I weigh 220 pounds today. I have a BMI of 42. I am lucky that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure or anything of that sort at this point so, I feel it's time to take care of this now, before those problems arrive. Which they will, if I continue this way
My Grandfather died from his Diabetes, My Mother has diabetes and because of that, she has suffered a massive stroke which has left her paralyzed on her left side. Many other issues have come from her Diabetes such as neuropathy (painful nerve damage that can never be cured) and Gastroparesis which is like that same nerve damage but in the stomach. We will now be taking care of her at home soon and will be helping with bathing, transferring her from chair to bed, etc, and personal hygiene type of things as well. My Uncle passed from a heart attack in apparent good health and weight. My Grandmother died of Breast Cancer earlier this year. This means that my odds are not great if I continue this way.
My mental, emotional and social health has been GREATLY impacted by my weight. I no longer seem to really participate in life, I just go through the motions. My weight has stopped me from enjoying everything, being with friends, doing things with my children and husband. It's made me want to hide literally and also under long sleeves or pants in the summer time. It's made me stay home when my husband does things with the kids, it makes me wonder if people wonder why he is with a fatty like me when we are in public, it makes me feel so alone. I wish my outside matched my inside, I know I'm a great person but this weight is making me withdraw and change. It's affected every relationship I have, it's affected everything I do and wear. It's made me conscious of how I sit, walk, stand, you name it. I hide under a pillow even at home on the couch, I don't like my husband to see me walk by him or get up from the couch as it's harder for me to get off of it these days. I don't want to go to family functions with my In-Laws because I feel so large and awkward and uncomfortable, like a beach ball rolling around the room.
Impacts on me physically:
I feel tired all the time.
My lower back gets sore, tired and feels like charley horses when I walk too long.
My knees hurt when I go up the stairs in my home.
Out of breath when going up stairs.
Bending down to tie my shoes or pick something up is hard as my tummy gets in the way
Odors and rashes under my breasts from heat and sweat
Bras dig and rub on skin (difficult to reach to clasp my bra)
Feet and shins sore
Constantly sweating
Libido is shot as I feel self concious and it's not as easy to do phisically
Can't sleep on back and notice because of my neck being so thick I wake myself up from trouble breathing
Snorring
Unable to run and play with my kids
Can't wrap a towel around me after a shower
Shoes getting tighter and hurting
Can't cross my legs
These are just a small handful of ways my weight has affected me. It's become who I am and I don't want to be that anymore. I feel like less of a woman and more like a leper.
So with this all said. I made the 1st step in making this happen. I met with my Doctor yesterday to get a referral to a bariatric surgeon. I felt good knowing my doc thought I was a good candidate. So the appointment is being set for that and I've registered for a bariatric surgery introduction class.
I will be expected to take this class, meet with a nutritionist and likely a counselor to help me break old habits and get me prepared for life long changes. I'm excited and nervous but ultimately relieved to have started this process. I was told it could be up to 6 mos. before I can actually get the surgery. So, I guess we will see!
I writing this because I need to be reminded how far I've come while I'm on this journey and hopefully to help someone else who reads this know what to expect from day one. (Decision) to surgery day, to life post op. Here goes nothing!
Amy
So, I've been thinking of having bariatric surgery for many years, but the idea seemed too extreme for me. I felt ONE DAY I would nail it and get thin. Not happening. I've tried everything only to fail miserably and gain it all back plus more. I'm losing my patience because I feel I am running out of time.
I am 5 feet tall and I weigh 220 pounds today. I have a BMI of 42. I am lucky that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure or anything of that sort at this point so, I feel it's time to take care of this now, before those problems arrive. Which they will, if I continue this way
My Grandfather died from his Diabetes, My Mother has diabetes and because of that, she has suffered a massive stroke which has left her paralyzed on her left side. Many other issues have come from her Diabetes such as neuropathy (painful nerve damage that can never be cured) and Gastroparesis which is like that same nerve damage but in the stomach. We will now be taking care of her at home soon and will be helping with bathing, transferring her from chair to bed, etc, and personal hygiene type of things as well. My Uncle passed from a heart attack in apparent good health and weight. My Grandmother died of Breast Cancer earlier this year. This means that my odds are not great if I continue this way.
My mental, emotional and social health has been GREATLY impacted by my weight. I no longer seem to really participate in life, I just go through the motions. My weight has stopped me from enjoying everything, being with friends, doing things with my children and husband. It's made me want to hide literally and also under long sleeves or pants in the summer time. It's made me stay home when my husband does things with the kids, it makes me wonder if people wonder why he is with a fatty like me when we are in public, it makes me feel so alone. I wish my outside matched my inside, I know I'm a great person but this weight is making me withdraw and change. It's affected every relationship I have, it's affected everything I do and wear. It's made me conscious of how I sit, walk, stand, you name it. I hide under a pillow even at home on the couch, I don't like my husband to see me walk by him or get up from the couch as it's harder for me to get off of it these days. I don't want to go to family functions with my In-Laws because I feel so large and awkward and uncomfortable, like a beach ball rolling around the room.
Impacts on me physically:
I feel tired all the time.
My lower back gets sore, tired and feels like charley horses when I walk too long.
My knees hurt when I go up the stairs in my home.
Out of breath when going up stairs.
Bending down to tie my shoes or pick something up is hard as my tummy gets in the way
Odors and rashes under my breasts from heat and sweat
Bras dig and rub on skin (difficult to reach to clasp my bra)
Feet and shins sore
Constantly sweating
Libido is shot as I feel self concious and it's not as easy to do phisically
Can't sleep on back and notice because of my neck being so thick I wake myself up from trouble breathing
Snorring
Unable to run and play with my kids
Can't wrap a towel around me after a shower
Shoes getting tighter and hurting
Can't cross my legs
These are just a small handful of ways my weight has affected me. It's become who I am and I don't want to be that anymore. I feel like less of a woman and more like a leper.
So with this all said. I made the 1st step in making this happen. I met with my Doctor yesterday to get a referral to a bariatric surgeon. I felt good knowing my doc thought I was a good candidate. So the appointment is being set for that and I've registered for a bariatric surgery introduction class.
I will be expected to take this class, meet with a nutritionist and likely a counselor to help me break old habits and get me prepared for life long changes. I'm excited and nervous but ultimately relieved to have started this process. I was told it could be up to 6 mos. before I can actually get the surgery. So, I guess we will see!
I writing this because I need to be reminded how far I've come while I'm on this journey and hopefully to help someone else who reads this know what to expect from day one. (Decision) to surgery day, to life post op. Here goes nothing!
Amy
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